Pooping in Public

Kiki pretends to bite Bunder who sits next to her in the shopping cart.  Bunder screams hysterically, “She’s going to bite me!  She’s going to bite me!”

Sometimes Kiki does bite Bunder, but only when she deems necessary (e.g. he takes her toy away, bonks her on the head, pushes her down, etc.)  In the shopping cart, she’s doing it to experience Bunder’s fun reaction.

I distract them with snacks, mini Nilla wafers and yogurt raisins.  They eat quietly, while I attempt to find juice with the least amount of arsenic in it.  “Did Consumer Reports recommend Mott’s or was it Juicy Juice?  They didn’t test the H.E.B. brand.”  Bunder distracts my thoughts with the one sentence all moms in public places dread to hear…

“Mommy, I have to go poop.”

Because I’m trying for the mom-of-the-year award, I attempt to talk him out of it. “Are you sure?  We’re almost done shopping.  Don’t you think you can wait?”

He refuses.  I sigh and ask the closest sales associate for directions to the restrooms.  Of course, they’re on the exact opposite side of the store.

Approaching the restrooms, I look for a family room.  “This will work,” I talk to myself.  “I’ll just push the cart with Kiki into the bathroom like I do our stroller.”

Oh, wait.  My cart is full of food and my options are “Men” or “Women.”  (Recently, in my foggy Mommy state, I took Bunder into Men’s room thinking, “Okay.  He’s a boy.  Gotta go in the boys’ room.”  I saw the urinals and snapped out of my daze).

I throw my huge diaper bag over my shoulder, because I don’t dare leave my wallet, iPhone, and snot rags in the middle of the supermarket aisle.  I unstrap and heft Bunder out of his seat.  Then I do the same for Kiki hoisting her on my hip while balancing the diaper bag and holding Bunder’s hand.

“Don’t touch ANYTHING,” I hiss at both of them.

Inside the restroom, I gag at the smell.  Bunder instantly drags his fingers across the metal stall doors.

“Don’t touch!  Don’t touch!”  I scream.

I choose the largest stall and try not to retch at the sight of the less-than-clean toilet.  I glance around at my options for placing Kiki.  I can’t hold her and hold Bunder on top of the four-foot high toilet at the same time.

I cringe as I set Kiki standing on the ground next to me.  “Don’t touch anything,” I warn for the umpteenth time.

She instantly walks to the door and grabs for the latch.  “No!  No!”  I scream, “Don’t touch!”

I wipe off the toilet and examine Bunder.  “I guess I have to remove at least one shoe.  Otherwise he won’t be able to straddle the toilet,” I think.

“Okay, Bunder, Mommy’s going to take off your shoe.  No!  No!  Don’t sit down!  The floor’s dirty.  No!  No!  Don’t grab the toilet.  Hold onto me for balance.”

I set Bunder on top of the toilet in an awkward position.  It looks as if he’s doing the splits over the toilet and about to topple into it head first.  I squat next to him holding his torso to steady him, but he grabs the toilet in between the toilet seat where I didn’t wipe.  “No!  No!  Don’t grab that!  Put your hands up here,” I move his hands to the seat.

“Uh-uh!  What’s Kiki doing?”  I think as I glance behind me.

“No, Kiki!  Don’t touch the floor!  What’s in your mouth?”

We finish, and I take turns holding each of them up to the sink.  I try to balance them on my knee while scrubbing their little hands.

We make our way toward the back of the store, as I daydream about showering them with disinfectant.

When will I learn to quit grocery shopping?

Just Write

About Mother Ruckus

Living the dream of motherhood and hoping to survive. View all posts by Mother Ruckus

11 responses to “Pooping in Public

  • Gianna

    OH, I can just hear you! Because that’s so me!
    “Now, everyone when we go into the bathroom, we don’t touch ANYTHING!”

    I’ve trained my 3 year old so well that as soon as I sit him on the toilet, down his hands go to steady himself! Oh, my WORD!!!! I don’t dare look at my toddler. I don’t want to know what he’s doing! The mere thought just makes me want to vomit!

    I’m so with you and I’ve so been there!

  • christine

    Oh yuck. Oh gag. I hate taking the kids into public restrooms.

  • Julia Meadows

    Man, I need this. I laughed!!!! I am the same way – “don’t touch” “don’t touch”!!! Oh public restrooms with children are the worst moments. Wonderful writing. LOL

  • tara@pohlkottepress

    oh, how you have put into words my existence. The only thing missing is how my older son carries on embarrassing conversations for the whole bathroom to hear; “Remember when you had to go potty so bad mom, you almost didn’t make it to the toilet?!?” – – oh, the shame and humility cloaked in tiny, desperately cute faces :)

  • Cindy

    Not too useful now but maybe for the future… I always take Lorelei into the handicapped stall, perch her on the side of the toilet, and have her hang on to the handicapped hand rail. She looks goofy, but then I can supervise kid 2 and the one on the potty is only holding on to one thing in the bathroom (that is likely fairly clean… I imagine the handicapped rail is rarely held onto where she is monkeying from)

    I have lots of practice at this point because she is OBSESSED with using public restrooms :(

    • Mother Ruckus

      Thanks, Cindy! I’ll have to try that next time. I sure am hoping this isn’t a new obsession. Bunder seems more intrigued by peeing outside (in the middle of the park or sand box or what have you).

  • Alison@Mama Wants This

    Ack! My biggest nightmare – taking kids to a public toilet. :)

  • Stephanie Hanes

    Ugh…I know this nightmare…especially when I am the one who has to use the restroom and I’m pushing one of those awkward double carts with my two wild and crazy toddlers.

  • Michelle G

    Laughing to myself reading this – people think I’m cracking up here at work now.
    Oh I AM THAT MOM! I completely freak out with littles in a public bathroom. The worst time I can remember is when I had to go…..and try to figure out how to juggle holding onto a little one at the same time…one handed to pull down undies…pne arm wrapped tightly around toddler/octopus wanting to touch anything and everything….hover/squat…brace against wall to attempt to get toilet paper…
    oh yeah…you get the picture. :) The things we mom’s do for fun.

  • Cheairs Redefining Typical

    I found your blog through Heather at the EO. Your post put a smile on my face. I can hear the “don’t touch anything!” I can not tell you how many times that has come out of my mouth along with the gag. Thank you for helping me to smile tonight!

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